Saturday, May 28, 2016


Yes, yes
we will part
and we will
make do, make do
for the void, the void
that we have brought upon,
upon ourselves.
There will be, will be
a lot of pain, a lot of
pain between us but we will,
we will make do, make do
for what won't be there anymore.

Today, today,
let me see each part of your soul,
Can I? Can I ever see the crevices
and the way you have filled them up
up with a bit of happiness you
have gained from here and there.
Here and there, everywhere is where
I search for fragments of memories
which unite us.

I try, try
try again, again
to feel the same as I felt
when I touched your cheeks,
cheeks swelling with sadness,
eyes filled with salty tears,
drowning away the suppressed smile
which comes out now and then,
now and then in between those
hiccups of emotions you
feel and choke on, all the same
just  as we parted, parted
in that parking lot.

The parking lot,
is a lot to take in
today, it was never the same
as I parted with you,
I still feel the touch of your hands on my neck
when you hugged me, and I still
can hear the sobs that turned into
tears on my shoulders.
I still see those distant eyes
that looked at us with amazement,
Why cry when you will be meeting through
virtual barriers but that is what they
are, barriers and not agents.
Though they make me feel you are there
they tell me you are not,
you are an illusion and that should suffice,
suffice, suffer, suffice, suffer,
I close my eyes and I suffer
and even that doesn't suffice.

So you and I have parted
but just like a poet said ages ago
that we will meet in our parting
and I feel when I left your hands
I met a different person in you
I have known a different you
since I have parted
and I am happy, happy
so happy that I have a memory
a memory, to live by
I write this, this
this verse which repeats
repeats itself, as this, this
is my rigorous need,
my utter agony at keeping
my memory alive.
Alive, alive.
You will always be alive
within me.
Please be.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

महानता तो बेच खाई है. शब्द बाकी हैं: We cannot be silent.

We are a country which loves to forget. We are quick to forget why something happens and focus on what emotional, physical reaction it brought about. Debating Afzal Guru's death is not allowed, Vemula will be forgotten, Kanhaiyya has been arrested. This is a systemic way of silencing us. And we should not give in.

Anti-national slogans clearly bear a marker of threat. But what about the government which reacts with words like "
they will not be spared" and literally turns into witch hunters in the university, tracking down students like thieves and arresting them on grounds that they 'may go against them'. What about the surveillance, the fear being instilled by the people who are supposed to represent us and work for us? By treating alleged 'anti-nationals' in this manner, isn't the government turning anti-national itself?

A distinction must be made between what a protest is about and what its language is. Its language should be about concerns regarding the university's administration which must act according to its own constitution, and not the government's propaganda for furthering its own political interests.

The reason behind this protest was the disagreement regarding the secretive handling of the judicial killing of Afzal Guru. This had been very conveniently thrown under the carpet because of microaggressions being magnified to an extent that student spaces have turned into camps of negative reinforcement of discipline. Resistance to revolt without any dialogue is not what a country's democratic spirit should be about. Resistance is what gives democracy its regenerative aspect. When it is about, by and for the people, it must take into account differing subjectivities by default.
Resistance is the way you can reflect on your self. It can force you to pay attention to reasons behind dissent.

The problem is that universities are seen as spaces which should remain insular and depoliticised. But isn't that contrary to what education stands for? What is the use of higher education when all we need to do is what we did in school, just more of it: learn theories but not apply them? Here, it is not that there isn't enough material for application but the fear of applying the ideas we have learnt. Or, maybe, that is what education stands for: learn, but do not argue. This is the locus of it all: we are being taught to be passive recipients of history and not make it ourselves.

The problem with our countrypersons is that they stick to the superficiality of events and react disproportionately. The press takes to sensationalising half-truths with blowhards posing as journalists, resisting any kind of opinion which in disagreement with their own. The government has taken to attrition and violence. The government is making enemies of the people it is supposed to protect.

All I can do is write. But in this country, any form of expression is being treated with disdain. Today a friend of mine doing a photoshoot wrote something against our current government. She said, "I shot [as well]." The fact is that this nation of ours has managed to instil this fear in us. The country has become its greatest anti-national element. If I say 'Mera Bharat Mahaan' or 'Bhaarat ko nasht karo', it somehow feels the same.

"Mahanta to bech khai hai. Shabd Baki hain. Kharidoge? Mehnge parenge. (We have sold our greatness. Only words are left. Would you buy them too? But you will have to pay a huge price.)"

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Birthdays and Memory

Hello! To my readers who have emailed me asking why I am AWOL, it is because my life has gone AWOL too, I don't really know when I had one.... Anyway, this is my first post in 2016 and because this year is the first time I turn 21 (sorry for sounding corny but it has a nice ring to it, that number), this is about birthdays.

I have never understood the concept of celebration of birthdays; one because I am a little dumb en generale, two because I don't understand why  we don't wish our parents who gave birth to us. I often have always wanted to wish my parents Happy Birthday on my own, because technically they were the ones who knew how it felt, when I was born. I don't know how I felt I was born: probably full of bodily fluids and crying when that doctor slapped my butt, cried more when she saw my genitals and said "It is a girl." She doesn't know how these four words have haunted me till date, but that's a topic for another post.

But the gist: my parents were also "born" then, as in, I know this is becoming too deep to dive in, but I am pretty sure I was awesome enough to change their lives that day. Since that date they have been living a different life, and it is their day to celebrate more than mine. Mera kya hai, I didn't even know my date of birth till I learnt how to count and learn months on my knuckles. Parents must have called people once a year for celebrating it before I had the required knowledge- I must have thought it is just one day everyone goes on a creep mode with my cheeks and gifts me with bottles, Tiffin boxes and frocks which were pink in colour. No wonder I don't remember these people who seem to remember a lot of creepy details about me. Like, how I had a pink bum and face when I took birth. Those who know me will know that's how I derive my nickname. Thanks brain, you have your priorties right. *pats head*

What I think of birthdays now is a healthy reminder of my age and my responsibility increasing year by year towards my own self and my parents. I know, I sound so grim...but that's the way it is. For me, birthday is equal to independence day or any other national holiday we celebrate: history tells us that that particular day was a great day and people did great things and it was good for the country and we celebrate it with sleeping till 1 pm.. Our own birthday was also reported to us. Celebrating a day which I have no memory of, and that too thevday which marks the time of my own arrival, it doesnt make sense.  I may as well celebrate the day my Mum came to know she is pregnant with me (and I am told was happy about it lol....though I bet this is the exact moment she regrets when she hates on me sometimes). Also that analogy becomes weirder because I was born on 26th January. (Such a cool segue)

But now birthdays have become those days when some people resurrect from their slumber to wish (or remember) you, and you feel great that they took the pains to remember. Wait, now even that happiness is not ours to have: Facebook has become this one weird friend we used to have who used to remember most minutest details like landline number and birthdays. So you don't really know people remembered your birthday or it was this website reminding them. It is sad sometimes to think a website which didn't even exist when you were born is now taking over genuine wishes you could garner.

Anyhoo, once I start getting negative I won't stop. I like how my college friends celebrate birthdays: making people feel at home by providing one day to the person the same happiness one gets with their folks, or for some it is the first time they are treated so specially. If there is one bit, (but the largest bit) of positivity I can get is that it is the day when you know who genuinely acknowledge, love and appreciate your existence, who cherish the fact that you are breathing the same air as they are and that your birth has made a difference in their lives. Then, the lack of knowledge of happenings of the original day gets glossed over. You end up feeling: maybe this is how people must have felt when I took birth. And if not then, if today there are some people who are happy that I exist, that day gets a new memory of its own every year.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Varied Varieties

India is not a sexually frank country, nor it is a country which is good to people who are just, frank and truthful.

 Now when I make that statement hundred people will be ready to hurl shoes at me. Or have discussions about me, about how I have no 'sanskriti' or 'sanskar' or whatever we love to spew when it comes to our hard core reality. India is a country where no one accepts they like to have sex, no one accepts they like to watch porn, no one accepts they are sexual beings with genitals. India is a country where no one accepts their reality. We get offended by our own reality, by our thoughts which are sexually active. Funnily, even our 'traditions', the 'sanskriti' which is hurled on people when they accept who they are, do not direct us to be so hypocritical. Our country gave the world Kamasutra, Khajuraho, and is one of the highese porn watching country. Why? When one can't accept their reality publicly, they are bound to fulfill their desires vicariously. Or in our country by raping someone else. Sounds too harsh? Anything that makes you uncomfortable, makes you think about the greatness of the country and how everything is going against this very greatness, know that it is your and everyone's reality. India is a country which does not know how to laugh at itself. It is a 10 year old kid who likes to blame the kid next door for a mistake it did, who takes offense and starts crying and holds on to its parents, the upholders of fascimile tradition.

Now what I am going to talk about it is- fat shaming. India is a country, which cares about it how it looks, and not how it really is. That can be applied to humanity as a whole but right now I can only stretch my arms towards my own country. We are the country which has apparently got the best melanine combination in our skin but we are racist towards our own people. Go, open a matrimonial paper and no one wants JUST a girl or a boy, they want Fair, tall, thin, men or women. Each to his own, yes, that is right. Everyone likes variety, has their choices. But when you see it as a recurrent pattern, it is disconcerting. Same, goes for the 'thin' bit. The greatness attached to thinness is so demeaning and devaluating to a person's ego, that India has become one of those countries where teenagers are going through problems of anorexia and bulimia nervosa- it has led to depression and anxiety. Is it really worth all that mental trouble? 

Being healthy is important, but being shamed for what one looks like is not. Being fat is problematic, but what if for that person it isn't? No one has the right to shame the person for his or her looks. Not only fat shaming, but skinny shaming is also on the rise. Body shaming as a whole is such a problematic issue that one can write a whole book on it, a never ending one at that. It is the most disgusting for a fellow human to do- to shame another person for their fat, or the lack of it. It leads to a person getting low self esteem, low self confidence and even leads to suicides. 

Now many arguments would sound something like this: Why take offense? Why not work out? Why not CHANGE how you look? Why not take offense? Why be judgemental? Why not just take it as a joke, and move on? Fat feminazis will be the worst comment one can get for talking about body shaming. "All these fat girls are feminists because no one will fuck them"- is one sentence which resounds in my head whenever I want to talk about shaming. The funny part is the very sentence proves my point- it shames a fat person, makes them look like perenially sexually frustrated human beings and cherry on the top- makes feminism looks like a curse. Why do these sentences come forth time and again? Is it too offending to know your reality? To know that you have been unconsciously or consciously destroying someone's life by demoralising them, and now when they have the gumption to come out and speak about it, your idea of normalcy has been challenged? Mere anarchy, is loosed upon your world.

 Hundred of my friends call me 'motu', 'golu', 'moti'. Terms of endearment, they say. I never feel bad about it. In fact, I feel it is alright, it is my reality, I am fat, and they are not telling something new to me. Nor will I tell them to call me 'patlu', 'lakdi'. 'patli'. That is the words they reserve for my thin, 'too skinny' friends. 

It is when this harmless joke, which is not offensive ( no really, be assured),  takes a turn and hits us on our faces- Moti, apni haalat dekh le! Bhai! Stage na toot jaye tu chadhe toh! (See your condition. I hope the stage does not break if you stand on it.). This is just one I remember. There are so many that my brain has voluntarily ejected them out of my system. But that is how MY brain works- some people hold on to it for lives. They don't need to, you know. No one needs to make them go through that mental pain. Yes, one can go on to become healthy by listening to such demoralising words- but is it a healthy stimulus for leading them to change themselves? Not everyone can eject, not everyone can hit the gym. Everyone has their own stories, and such generalisations of jokes lead to never ending problems. 

I have always followed the maxim of 'laughing at oneself before anyone else does'. It has become my defense mechanism. I make fun of myself, before anyone else can start the joke. But it is a very unhealthy mechanism. I have become my biggest critic!

Can I tell anyone to stop calling fat people fat and thin people thin? No. But when did someone's bodily appearance become a cuss-word? How did their very appearance become a matter of joke?

Do you think this problem will solve if you become thin by exercising or by adding a little fat on your bones? Not really. People will still go on saying things, searching for things to shame you.  That is what makes me think: what is the solution?

The issue I started off with, not accepting reality. Anything out of the 'ordinary' offends us, is revolting and disgusts us. But we never question what is that 'ordinary' thing to which we got used to so much? Why is this new thing so extraordinary? Why is it so revolting? Have we been tied down by some power which forces us to think unilaterally? Perhaps. 

It is time to accept reality in its myriad forms. Just imagine, the way we think the world 'should be', if the world was really like that, it would have been such a boring world- unilateral, unidimensional, all the same everywhere. I am trying to make a very blase argument in the end because elite, high handed arguments do not seem to work, and they never will. I can write about Cixous, Audre Lorde and Butler but what will really hit you home is this: a world where everyone will look the same, be the same will not be a world worth living in. Haruki Murakami said this about the habit of reading: If you keep reading the book everyone is reading, you will think what everyone is thinking. And how bad is that if it becomes a norm, a rule- the world being run by this weird rule book which forces us to become inane robots? A Beckettian world where nothing happens, nothing is different.

 World has given us variety which is inherent to us and we should start accepting the multidimensionality of reality. People are fat, thin, black, white, brown, gay, trans, girls, boys and the list goes on. People are people and they come in various forms. And our duty as varied individuals ourselves is to accept someone else's  form of variety. 

Friday, December 11, 2015

Monday, November 9, 2015

This world and You

"Prerna thought she will buy the box of nutella herself. For she was hungry for some chocolate!"

It is beautiful how we all live in a certain kind of interconnectedness, without the knowledge of it. We are bound by this cosmos which allows us to do actions but we somehow are responding to some kind of equilibrium. Today, I am laughing but somewhere around the corner someone is crying. Today you get married, and someone has had their first visit to a divorce counsellor. Thousands die and thousands take birth on the same day.

I am walking down the street, listening to music and someone is fighting in a corner of a street. I lower the volume, pass them by. I hear 'You don't understand' only, and the look on the man's face is despondent. I hear two men talking in Tamizh in a rickshaw- I smile, listening to your mother tongue in a different place always fills you with a weird kind of joy. I pass by a woman who is talking on her phone who is telling to the other side of the call "Punjabi Ladki hoon, mujhe dar nahi lagta!". I smile, for some inane reason. As I walk past I see two kids of my age smoking, a whole montage of people who I know who smoke passes my mind, and I fight a lot of judgemental opinions that my brain creates. At the same time I see a 10 year old selling ciggarettes, with such informative vigour. And I am witnessing all of this while having a whole life my own, and I am being witnessed at the same time. Someone saw my hair, someone saw my cellphone, someone saw my eyes. Someone did not look at me at all.

Almost always, what we do is a reaction to what is happening somewhere else. It might seem like an overstretched thought but coming to think of it, the world's stasis is possible only if we are acting in accordance to some kind of equalizing structure. It fills a certain kind of optimism in me- that today's tear can turn into a smile soon enough to balance it out.

All this, comes in my mind while going to buy a box of nutella- an impulsive decision taken sitting in the college canteen, wanting to eat something inordinately sweet. The impulsive decision connected me to Virginia Woolf's first sentence in Mrs Dalloway: Mrs Dalloway thought she would buy the flowers herself. Certain sudden impulsive decisions could always make you learn a lot you signed up for. I learnt that no matter how lonely you feel, your very being is made up of this world you live in.