Saturday, November 30, 2013

Stream of Consciousness.

This blogpost is an exact imprint of what I thought and how my brain produced it. Those sudden small black and white flashes in my mind and the words which semantically got created in my brain are put to words here. That is why you might feel there is a sudden leap to a very different topic. This is called stream of consciousness. I know this because I wrote this in an exam I had some days ago. 

What do you do when the whole world is out there to get you? Why is that when everything is going okay, something has to happen and ruin status quo. You feel, when you create visual imageries of your life, that there is a straight line without any kind of diversions or change, suddenly you hit a rock and boom there is something which you did not expect.

You are sitting online reading some articles and then someone says girl! you have been confessed about in the college confession page. You don't feel elated, happy or anything for that matter, you carry on with your life. The problem is, this someone has to ping you 8 times because you have been written about anonymously 8 times. And the clincher- the 8th time someone has written that the confessions which seem to be a little "Stalker-ly" or "too much detailed in information" says that you have written the confession yourself. Well, if you haven't stooped low, and people think you never will,  what they do is try to bring you down by drawing out analogies which are bogus, baseless and of course, not worth the time I am writing venting about it in my precious blog.

Then there are some friends who want you to go clubbing with them. When I was 10 years old, club meant what Mani had in his hands in the Swami and Friends show. Now when I am 18, club means a place where Jessica Lal and the kinds are assaulted and murdered. Well, this might be a narrow view of a pub or anything, not everyday is a bad day there, but sometimes your conscience doesn't allow you to be comfortable about it. What I think is, if my parents were here, will I go for it? Many people say I am principle-minded and I am too scrupulous and conscientious, maybe I am. When something makes me lie by hiding something from my parents, I think that the thing better be done when people don't think otherwise, and I myself am fully comfortable with my actions. Who does not want to go enjoy life, have your friends around and dance? But even if I am called uncool and the girl who wants to sit inside her room and read a book or two, I don't really mind. As my roommate said, my idea of cool is sitting and watching white collar, your idea is sitting and blogging in a room, there ends the matter. You don't have to be cool or act socially acceptable, or even look at your friends in a narrow way because they thought this is the right time, and I simply do not.

Then comes friends' birthdays and the tension of gifting them something. Why is that, that you feel pressurised to buy a perfect gift to a person whom you didn't even know three months ago? Is it because the friend has become so close that a material gift will just compound to the greatness of the friendship, or is it that you want to make your friendship better by gifting a material and make a memory in that friend's mind which says- 'She is the girl who gifted me this.' Seriously? Do gifts even matter?
Why I am saying this because I gave my roommate her birthday gift after 2 months of her birthday. That can't even be called belated. That is like beeeeee-laaaa---teeed. Okay that was stupid.

I live with her, but it took me time to weigh her like and dislike to gauge what kind of a gift she would like. She is a liberal feminist, but reads Mills and Boons also ( not that a feminist should read that, I mean that if I am to buy her a book, which is the only permanent option in my mind, what should I buy- a romantic book or a book concerning social issues?) Thanks to some psychology lessons on conflicts, I understood a way out of this- I bought her a book on women with a lots of love and sex involved, written by Kushwanth Singh.

Turns out, the book's aknowledgement was given to Naina Dayal, Kushwanth Singh's granddaughter, and incidentally, who teaches my roommate History.

So this whole blogpost has been a stream of consciousness kind of a post, but this is how human mind works- if I think of books, then I think of a genre, which seems awkward, but when I use the word awkward, I think of the show in Comedy Central, when I think of Comedy Central, I think of how I miss Television, when I think of Television, I think of how much time is being saved because it is not there, but when I say time, I suddenly feel that there is less time left for studying for an exam I have the day after. And then, I finally sit, reluctantly with a book. The book talks about blogging, and then I feel I haven't written a blogpost in this week, and then I close my book, and finally write this post. You clearly did not want to know this, and this seems like crap and a post which I wanted to write because I am a good hearted blogger who writes regularly, but then, this is my only haven where I can post whatever I want and have no qualms about it.

Every blogpost need not give a moral, social message or be a satire, a poem or something heart-wrenching. I made this blog to vent out my binged up feelings. But then sometimes social situations make you write something which will attract many people. I felt that everytime I write something I write what will please the party reading this. But this time I thwarted that notion and wrote whatever came in my mind. In Facebook also, I don't write what is really on my mind, which is what Mark Zuckerberg wants me to do, but no, sometimes I do get inclined to post something which will attract the attention of my friends. Even though I am thinking of how hot Matt Bomer is, if I write "Was fantasizing about Matt Bomer and how will it be if I bumped into him in a hotel and that kick started a new life", people will write more confessions about me saying I am a nympho, Yea, that is the level they stoop down to when they get to be anon and say shit about people. Wait, did I come back to confessions? See, that is what has been ruling my petty brain. I started off with it and I am ending with it too. No I won't end with it, it will look like I am giving it too much importance.

I soon will be going home, and nowadays I am coming across people who say they don't want to go home because 1. they have been home quite a lot in the past months unlike me, 2. they hate their parents, 3. they like college more. Well you might feel the second reason is not plausible, but yes it is. And when these people state the reasons for this, you feel - 'Wow, and you were worrying about a stupid anonymous confession when life is nakedly bad enough for others.' Again, as I wrote in my previous blogpost- you should not feel happy about yourself when you feel that others are sadder than you. It is just that you find out your stupidity, and understand that you should be content enough with what you have got.

I did talk about the confession again. Damn this thing!

Well now I will stop because I have lots to study. I confess, I haven't done anything. I don't even know what is there in the book. Wait, do I have the book?  Yes I do.

Did I say confess. No I didn't. Ignore it.

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