Tuesday, November 11, 2014

"Bail on me. Today. Forever."

Sometimes, during  that cusp of just putting your head on the pillow and having your head in mid-air, when your eyes are just about to close, your whole life flashes in front of you.  That life, which you seem to be closing for the next 5-6-7 ( because you don't even know for how long you can shut the world around you, because this particular material of  this very world will wake you up, as you have wound it to do so) hours. That life, which you think you are leading the way it has to be led. That life, which sometimes, you think, is being led by others, for you.

These flashes, though they come for a millisecond, make that thud on the pillow more profound, the very action of going towards the pillow, is alongwith 100 million things that accompany your head. Your head, in its very physicality, is going to touch the pillow, your eyelids are halfway through, that you see 100 flashes.
100, 1000, but they seem 100. You always want definite things around in life, so let it be 100.

These 100 flashes constitute of those recurring images of your first achievement, your first fall, certain moments of your life like the day you laughed so hard, that day when you rode the bicycle, when you think of the bicycle, you think of how you were afraid to swim for the first time, then you swam, then this leads to other incidents, and other, and other.

All these 100 flashes, have one thing in common- you have always been doing something. Doing, doing, working, working, repairing, undoing, reacting, stopping a reaction. Not one flash, there is not even one flash, where you see yourself sitting, thinking, pondering, contemplating, smiling. It is always standing, executing, getting a job done, and not smiling, but laughing- laughing at a joke, at yourself, at someone else, at some situation. You never see yourself smiling, smiling because you saw your life in front of your eyes in broad daylight and not in a millisecond, saw your life in a panorama and not in a flipping comic book style, saw it with your consciousness intact, and you smiled, because you liked what you perceived.

Then your head is just there, just about there to reach the cloth of your pillow, your eyelids have halfway reached their destination, and you see 100 more flashes.

Most of them are about your future, some black and white, some sepia, some duo-tone. Some are about how you could have changed the past, did something different, said something different, said something before doing, did something after saying. You see a person walking back, and you see yourself wanting to stop him, giving him a pat, or a hug. You feel regrets, a sense of urgency, a sense of what if, what if this was not. But then you feel " Well, it was. And it was meant to be this way."

And your head finally hits the pillow.

Your eyelids are closed.

The thud creates a depression, your head settles in.


You wake up. You are late.  The material which was supposed to wake you up bailed on you.

You see the time, you rush.

You curse the material.

You run. Run, And run for completing the day.

You come back, to bed, again.

Wind the material, again. Feeling, you should not be late the next day.

But some corner of your heart, says

"Bail on me like this sometimes. Like Today."

Bail on me, forever.

1 comment:

Vrinda Sharma said...

Lovely Prerna! Just beautiful! I kept smiling throughout! Thanks!!