Thursday, June 4, 2015

High-time I spoke!

I have been doing slam poetry and writing articles on fat-shaming, fat-bullying and how body image is an issue we all need to tackle. But I always kept my own story hidden, kept it under the wraps because I never really had the courage to blatantly speak it out. I thought it might be seen as an attention-seeking drama, or it will be a matter of yet another joke.  But then I discovered the sheer hypocrisy between theory and practice of my belief, and here I am, telling the truth.

I started getting fat when I was in Class 3, around 8 years old. Before that, I actually was a very weak kid with my bones making weird shapes on my skin. I was too thin, too problematically thin. ( Here, I am not talking of aesthetics of being thin, but my vulnerability to weakness because of a very delicate body).
Then, I suffered a disease and its side-effect was body fattening.

Since day 1 of my body weight rising, I was subjected to many words synonymous to animals like elephant, a bison etc. When I was small I used to cry over it, but soon, every word started taking an ugly shape. Soon, people started associating my fat with my food-habits, my dislike for sports and made fun of me when I tried to wear clothes of the latest trend.

The next stage of this was associating my fat with my heredity, making fun of my family members who were fat and then saying I got it in my blood, asking me why do I get two tiffins instead of one ( real reason- I used to travel 15 kms unlike other children so my mother packed an extra box).

I traveled to Chennai for completing my higher education for two years- and here is where I was subjected to a different kind of bullying. My fatness was associated with being a nerd, a bookworm, a person 'who only is into books and not people' quote unquote a person who I will never forget. I found my books were tattered into pieces and thrown in different directions. A group of students picked a random fight one day and tried to shatter my confidence in myself and my appearance by saying- "Look at yourself before you try to fight with us." And they mumbled "fat ass" and walked away.

Now I am studying in college, and  I realise I have become a self-abominating person, a person always guarded with fear of being judged for my body. So before anyone else says or makes fun of my fat, I make fun of it myself, so that their jokes don't make me feel bad. But all these years of constant remarks have made me my biggest critic- and that is what I am trying to fight, and want to tell others-  you cannot change others, but you can always make amendments to how you look at yourself. I have always regretted it that I actually gave opinions of others a lot of importance. I won't say I have changed, but I have tried to improve.But never let someone else's yardstick be the measure of your self. And no body is shameful, and you should love yourself. It is the hardest thing- to admire yourself. And it is the only solution- stereotypes can only be broken when you yourself stop believing in them. 

2 comments:

Savi Shukla said...

Awesome as always <3 <3 <3
Realtes quite well with me and my size these days..

Barun K. Sakhajee said...

nice one...