Sunday, September 27, 2015

Rantings of a List-Maker

Sometimes, I just feel like losing track of my self, my surroundings and let things go haywire. Sometimes, even I feel like doing things impulsively, and doing things without a checklist. Even I have those moments of exasperation, those moments of "I GIVE UP" and "I CANNOT HANDLE THIS SHIT". But, I mostly fail.

I have realised that even my fun time is in my routine, the amount of fun I have is also proportionate to how much work I am doing in a day. My "Google Keep" has a check list of "Things to Read" "Things to say to People", "Things to do", and  in between, I have marked out "Have fun". And when I do have fun, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty that maybe I am having fun right now but what if I am not doing something important which needs to be done, and what if I will pay for it. I have utterly failed to live in the moment, because while living the moment I am already planning my future.

I wake up late sometimes, yes. And funnily, even that is planned. I don't just "sleep with the book on my face", or "sleep while the movie was on." I have never had those moments, and if I have, I may have repressed them because they make me feel guilty. Hell, this blogpost was the only unplanned thing I am doing today and it has already put me on a guilt trip.

My lists are getting too many and are piling up. I have forgotten to add one list, and that is to live. Because I don't really know when I can do that.

Do you?

To know more about my OCD:

Excessive list-making: People with OCD often fear they will forget something important, so they may make excessive lists to remind them to do daily routine activities (i.e. brush teeth, make breakfast, etc.) However, research has shown that people with OCD do not have memory problems, so the lists are actually unnecessary. List-making would be considered a compulsion because the list reassures the person with OCD and helps them to feel temporarily better, thus they never learn that they do not need the list to remember things. People with OCD may also make lists to remember things that may be contaminated to later wash or avoid, which also contributes to the OCD process. List-making can be in writing or verbalized aloud.

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